Back in the States after three months in the Bel Paese :(

Daniel and I flew back into the United States a week ago Monday night. I have to admit I was a little overwhelmed at first, and not in a good way. Sorry amici.

My first impression landing in Atlanta was the great expanse of suburbia, consisting of all seemingly new houses, all perfectly lined up. The Atlanta airport was hyperclean, organized and no one was trying to break in line (this feels unnatural now :)). There was an overwhelming variety of stores in the mega-airport, all stocked to capacity with an endless selection of clothing, books, perfume and souvenirs for the kids, etc, etc.

However, how I remember my previous American life, the sterilized environment also was reflected in interactions with others. No one tried to strike up a conversation with us in the airport. No one tried to befriend or engage Daniel. Everyone stood in line in a very orderly fashion, silent, withdrawn, in their own little, preoocupied world. This contrasted sharply with our departure from the Rome airport, which is extremely busy, even more so than Atlanta, believe it or not, in which I had a 5 minute conversation with the emigration officer who was curious why we were in Italy and were we coming back and for how long and she gave me recommendations as to what type of visa to get for Daniel to return. All of this conversation took place even though there was a line of 20 people behind me. CANNOT picture this happening in the United States. This type of interaction would be seen as a serious lack of efficiency.

I know some of my friends see me as a traitor to the United States, as if I'm not patriotic or proud of the US. And, I have to admit, I've never been a flag-carrying citizen. I've always been more curious about other countries, other cultures, other ways of life. As an adolescent, I was head over heels in love with France and all things French. Now, in the middle of my life, it's Italy, it's amazingly beautiful, musical language (when not tainted with the damn, harsh, hard-to-freaking-lose American accent :)), its architecture, art, food, devotion to beauty; I'll stop there! I'm not saying there is nothing redeeming about life in America; for example, I still believe that the economic opportunities and a capacity to improve one's social/financial/educational situation are probably more likely here than anywhere else in the world. However, our wealth and the American single-minded devotion to work comes at a cost in my opinion.

To be more specific and get away from the cliches, I want to describe some of the life changes that Daniel and I made while living in Perugia:

1. Instead of living in a 3300 square foot house in American suburban "Utopia", Daniel and I "survived" in an 80 meter square apartment consisting of 2 bedrooms, 1 bathroom, a combo living room/dining area, and a kitchen that is more like a corridor. But I loved it!!!! When I got back to Virginia, I noticed after a day or so here that I felt irritated and burdened in my house--finally, I put my finger on it--it takes a HELL of a lot of time to care for a huge house, yard, dog, xmas decorations, etc, etc. Our life is much simpler in Italy. I can clean the apartment in an hour, leaving time to: study, cook, read, spend time with Daniel, and to just think (gasp!). Even though I was WAY more busy in Perugia with my course commitments, I just felt calmer and more centered, more clear of my opinions and thoughts on life and future goals, like I had more time to focus on what is important to me--Daniel and learning Italian.

2. I like having personal relationships with all of the shop owners in Italy.
Daniel and I have our own pasticceria (bakery), macelleria (meat shop), supermercato (which is as big as my kitchen in the States but contains more exotic fruits and vegetables than Farm Fresh), and artisan pasta shop. I know people in all of these stores by name and vice versa. They choose to interact with Daniel and give him little treats. This after three months in Italia. After 16 years in Virginia, I'm not sure that I can tell you the name of more than two people in any of the stores I frequent. L'Italia is just a more personal country and individuals are interesting just because they exist. Children are cute and precious just because they are alive. This philosophy is a much better match for me--I have always been a collector of human stories--almost everyone is interesting to me and I could pass hours and hours listening to people, hearing their hurts, disappointments, life events that motivate them, the results of important decisions they have made, etc. In America, almost everyone, or at least in my social circles, is so goal-oriented that long conversations, even between spouses, RARELY takes place. Talking on the telephone or face-to-face at lunch or over coffee is seen as an indulgence at best or an outright, waste of time. It's our f***ing loss (scusami), in my opinion.

3. News flash! Kids can survive without being signed up for Boy Scouts, piano lessons, art classes, swimming camp, etc.! (this was actually news to me :))

At first, I felt guilty because Daniel had to give up violin lessons and Scouts and lacrosse when we moved to Perugia. I felt like a bad mother because, for once in my life, I made my own desires and goals a priority. For my close friends and sister, you all know this was VERY difficult for me. I have spent 23 years putting my children first (which, by the way, I do NOT regret, kids :)). However, I have learned in the past 5 years, losing first Andrew and then Christina, to university and then their own lives, that I have also lost some of my own personal identity by not ever making myself a priority. Daniel has not seemed worse for the wear, except I will admit he experiences an hour or so of boredom here and there and definitely misses his father and dog. However, I have also noticed that, without the pressures of suburban American, Olympic-style mothering, I have probably spent more time just talking to him in the past three months, one on one, than in the previous year. We're not always in the car, rushing to the next activity that will make him smart, athletic, talented, more prepared for college, etc, etc. Perhaps I will be wrong in the end but I enjoy our very simple and calm days. We get up, get dressed, walk the five minutes together to school, then I spend the day with the love of my life (learning Italian), and we pass the afternoon going to the afore-mentioned food stores :), cooking dinner, reading together, to bed, and it starts all over again. Even my hyper-energetic self is not bored :) (because I am literally walking my ass off everywhere we go and because my mind is overstimulated with learning another language in my forties, crazy I know :)) I feel like I spend the day on essential, important activities, not rushing around checking off a never-exhausted, to-do list. It works for me.

4. American consumerism doesn't make me happy.

I know this is the ultimate of cliches, sorry, but I am on a very tight budget in Italia and it really doesn't seem burdensome. In fact, it is somewhat freeing. We have enough money to pay for the apartment and utilities, tons of amazing food, but there is very little left over for clothes, entertainment, dinners out and the afore-mentioned extracurricular activities. I have NO car and no electronic gadgets except for my own laptop. However, another news flash!, you can survive without all the extra shit! My daughter and sister know my weakness for clothes and I do buy some stuff, but much less and I am very careful that is something I will really wear and enjoy. Clothing is MUCH more expensive in Italia; therefore, I don't have the resources to have 10 winter sweaters and an unlimited supply of jeans (someone please alert me if you can find blue jeans for less than 70 Euro in Italia--I sure as hell haven't been able to find them--I waited until I got back to the States to buy $28 jeans that are "hot" on my forty year old ass :)). But, again, the lack of a different mega-mall within every 5-mile radius doesn't feel like a loss.

5. There are some negatives to living in Italy:
--The political situation is totally screwed up. A multi-billionaire, gagillionaire entrepreneur runs the country in a very corrupt way. He owns the 3 major television networks as well as a couple of the major newspapers (hence, controlling the media). Supposedly, he is in cahoots with the various branches of the mafia. He rewrites the laws to protect himself. To be honest, I don't know many of the particulars because I don't spend enough time reading the newspaper and trying to understand all of the complexities--as an "extracomunitaria", I am powerless to do anything about it and, to be honest, I'm more interested in just living.
--The job situation sucks. I would REALLY love to work in Italy after my sojourn finishes in June. I have plenty of education, but so do many, many laureated Italians who are working as babysitters, baristas, colf (household assistants), etc. It is really depressing but, at least, I have the opportunity to return to the States and work if I can't find something. This isn't an option for the 10% of Italians who are unemployed and another large percentage who are working as "precariati" (basically temporary workers with no contract, no guarantee of future employment and no benefits). If anyone knows of a good-paying position for a biology/anatomy lecturer with a Masters in educational psychology, let me know :).
--I have observed some of the social ills that afflict America in the Bel Paese. For example, almost every week, it has shocked me to read in the Perugia newspaper that someone has been murdered, raped, or robbed at gunpoint. I naively thought this was an American phenomen, an obvious, indirect result of the lack of human connections in our impersonal society. However, violence and racism and child abuse also take place in Italia, just perhaps 20-30 years behind the States. Therefore, my adopted country is not all warm-hearted, well-meaning individuals.

In summary, I laugh at myself and my first blog (you were right, Roberta!). I was still in tourist-mode, totally in the stages of first love in October. Now my views are a little more nuanced with some disappointments. But, I still say I would live in Italia any day!

Love you, my friends, Merry Christmas!